Thursday, September 1, 2011

Guys and Girls

First of all, I'd like to thank bad4shidduchim for the bump I hope you all enjoy this blog.

In a similar theme to the last post, I'd like to examine the variant difficulties that guys and girls have in shidduchim. Conventional wisdom is that girl's have it harder in shidduchim. I wouldn't disagree.

However, each has unique challenges. On the one hand, girls have a much harder time getting suggestions. Generally, guys do not have such a problem. But while you can't have too much of a good thing, suggestions aren't always good things. It's kind of frustrating to have every single girl's resume, between the ages of 18 and 27, who lives in a 50 mile radius, sent to your inbox. I'm only looking for one. And the one who expressly wants someone learning the rest of his life in kollel when I'm in law school, might not be for me.

Another thing which was addressed in bad4's post was that  guys aren't that different from you Venusites. I think it's true that men aren't as emotional (naturally) as women. Despite the stereotype, that doesn't mean we're emotionless pieces of rock. We've got difficulties with the dating process too. But while a girl might have no problem talking about their emotions involving dating with her friends; guys do. It's not so easy to spill your emotions out to another male friend. It's pretty awkward. I know it would be awkward if someone tried to speak about it with me. So it kind of gets bottled up. (another reason I started this blog.)

I'd rather have more suggestions than I need, than non at all. I'd rather be less emotional and not be able to talk with someone about it, then be really emotional and really need to talk about it. Shlo asani Isha. But that doesn't mean it's a piece of cake.


  1. Good point.

    Both sides have it hard these days, for different reasons. I think part of what makes it hard for the guys is their innate tendency to be self-centered when it comes to this process. This is why so many stereotypical guys have ridiculous personal preferences when it comes to looks - instead of trying to find someone who pleases them in a typical fashion, and who the guy could then focus his attention on in the appropriate other-focused nature of a relationship, the guy turns inward and creates too much of a fantasy ideal that can't exist.

    True, this happens for both men and women, but it is the guys, with the way the system has been constructed (overabundance of suggestions, etc) that have fallen prey to this bad trait more than women - at least in my experience as a dater and as a shadchan. There are some women who are fortunate enough to have many suggestions and become egotistical, and there are some who start off that way because they were spoiled by their parents.

    Either way, I think women are more natural givers and other-centric than guys, so the nisayon for the guys is to keep their ego/self-interests reigned in appropriately. This is expressed in a very significant, halachic way in the realm of physical intimacy in marriage, where it is the husband's obligation to put aside his own desires for the sake of fulfilling his wife's. The mitzvah is his to give to her and not the other way around.

    So too in dating, while the girl may have many more external factors that makes finding a shidduch difficult, the guy has a boatload of internal issues that he must contend with.

  2. I definitely agree that it's awkward to share feelings about dating with other guys. I've found one or two male friends that are more comfortable sharing feelings to talk to. I've also found a couple of female acquaintances to share my feelings while dating because they're easier to share feelings with.

  3. To SoG: I think that guys are more self-centered in the sense that they won't look for, or notice subtleties in other people. However, once they become aware of an issue they are naturally less self-centered and more giving. The reverse for girls.

  4. guyinla - I don't think that's particularly true, having seen a plethora of comments on marriage articles on and other places by women who say they can't get their husbands to be anything other than self-centered. I don't think "the reverse" holds true for girls, who I've seen be more perceptive and desiring to give when they see the possibility of giving or helping.

  5. @SoG- Even if guys were more self-centered, I don't think that is why they have difficulties in shidduchim. And I also don't think that what you are describing has to do with someone being self-centered. Just picky.