Oldest vs. Youngest

I'm the youngest of a few kids in my family. My siblings always used to complain that I wasn't made to do any work and I was so spoiled. This is a widespread misconception. The youngest has it just as hard as the oldest.

The reason behind this view, is that when you're a kid, you don't have any concept of how much responsibility should be given to someone based on age. Usually this is evidenced by children's whining about their lack of freedom. That's why you always complained about adults staying up late, and you were forced to go to sleep early. But this also works the other way. When you're 12 years old, you can handle setting the table. Me at age 5...not so much. But the 12 year old thinks-hey why do I have to do this and he doesn't? Well the answer is that when you were 5 you weren't setting tables either. And when I'm 12 I'll be the one setting the table.

Now that all my siblings are married, guess who all the chores go to? That's right. The youngest. Mr. Spoiled. We end up doing more work in the long run.

But to parallel that with shidduchim- I don't know who has it easier. I think it depends on the family. If you're siblings are normal, healthy people, people will think of you as a well-established commodity. On the other hand, if you've got a brother who went off the derech, and an unmarried sister who doesn't leave the house... then it's going to be more difficult for you. (B"H I'm the former.) But an oldest sibling doesn't go into shidduchim with any preconceived notions, as to what type of person they will be. They're their own man.

Additionally, the youngest, as in my case, might not have any siblings to hang around the house with, and it can be just a bit lonely. But their are benefits like going to siblings' houses for meals, asking them advice, etc.

My point is, everyone has their own unique challenges. And don't call us youngest ones spoiled. 

Dating Stinks

The majority of people I know hate almost everything about shidduchim. Whether it's checking out a prospective date, dealing with seemingly clueless shadchanim,  or all the awkwardness of first dates; It's not fun.

In fact, I know of two people who when they got engaged, told me "I'm not sure if I'm happier about actually being engaged, or that I don't have to date anymore." Though, on the other hand, I know of one person who was upset when he got engaged that he wouldn't have to go on dates anymore. He was just a relaxed guy. and crazy.

I think we all just need to relax, especially on first dates. One of the best pieces of dating advice I heard is-on the first date: don't picture yourself married. Think of it as an ice breaker with a new person that you're meeting. It's alot easier said than done, but I think we need to talk ourselves into forgetting about the signficance of the event, and just not think so hard.

 Maybe then dating won't stink. But it probably will.

: Ep. 1- Opening the car door

I'm going to try to discuss some of the various unspoken standard rules and techniques of shidduchim dating in installments of "The Official Rules Of Dating"

First up, Opening the car door-

I try to park my car next to a walkway rather than in front of a tree or some other obstruction when I pick up a date in order to allow easy access to opening the car door. I then open the door, wait for the girl to begin to sit down, and walk to the other side of the car. I don't close the door because of the ridiculous thing that I've heard that you aren't supposed to do that because it will require you to look at her legs to see if she pulled them into the car. But hey, I try not to do anything too controversial.

As for getting out of the car, I've never had a girl who waited for me to open the door for her to get out, but that would be super weird if she did. So she handles that.

The thing is I don't really understand why we open the car door. Its not like I'm really helping you. I'm expending so little energy, it's not even worth it for you to utter "thank you." We no longer really view women as these helpless little things who can't do anything. So why do we hold onto the antiquated tradition of opening up the car door. Chivalry? I don't think that shows anything. I do it because its standard, but I find it ridiculous.

It's not my time yet

You know, in a way I'm kind of thankful that I haven't gotten engaged till now.

 Every couple months I look at back and think "well it sure would have been crazy getting engaged with those finals." More importantly I feel like I've changed. Especially since I've started dating. For example, I think it's really valuable that I learned how to balance learning and grad school decently. I don't think I would be as committed to learning if I had gotten married earlier. Then I think but now-well now it's different. Now I'm ready. I've learned all my lessons. Why haven't I gotten engaged yet?

It's important to keep things in perspective. I know it's hard, at least for me. There is a real desire to wallow in depression or self-pity. Or look at how other people are so happy. Or count the engaged people in your class or the number of people you dated who are engaged now. But realize, What's good for them is not good for you. Maybe you haven't learned all your lessons. Maybe you haven't accomplished everything you need to accomplish. And...I know this is hard to accept...maybe you're just plain old not ready for marriage yet. Hashem knows best. You'll get engaged when it's best for you. Just don't give up hope.

THE older single

We all have that one person we know.

They could be a good friend or someone you've never even spoken to. It's the one we all think "well at least I'm not in his situation." The one who is even older than you. Will we be happy when they get engaged? Or will we panic, because there's no one to pity anymore, except ourselves? Who do they look up to?

 Whoever is reading this take out 30 seconds of your time and say one perek of tehillim for that "older single." Hashem can be mechiyay masim. I know for some people that's exactly what needs to be done, but Hashem can do it. We need to believe, and we need to daven.

Looks and middos (and doubt)

1 and 2 are based off R' Pam from his sefer Atarah L'Melech.

1. The most important thing is middos.

I know you've already heard it. I'm sure you would readily agree. But when you go out, and she is really pretty and funny and interesting, are you willing to look past how she talked about one of her "friends?" Or her lack of compassion for the girl who her friends were making fun of? It can be easy to lose sight of what's important when you are on a date Make sure you are honest with yourself and not making excuses for the other person's behavior because of something frivolous that you like. A person's middos are going to effect every day of your life. Just because she's the only girl you ever met who knows who Ron Paul is and loves Led Zepplin, this isn't going to effect your daily life all that much. I'm not saying common interests are irrelevant, but not as much as middos. Additionally R' Pam says that children receive their middos from their mother, in the same way that wine acquires the taste of the barrel it was fermented in. And nobody wants their kids to be a bunch of jerks. 

2. Looks aren't irrelevant either. 

R' Pam asks a question: Why does the Torah emphasize the beauty of various biblical women (Imahos, Esther, Chava, Avigayil...), but then in Eishes Chayil we all know "sheker hachein, v'hevel hayofi"? Is it important or not? He answers that beauty is a bunch of zeros. If you don't have the One in front of it, it's worthless, but if its got the one (which in this case is Yiras Hashem), it adds value. Obviously you have to be attracted to a spouse. How attractive? Now thats tough. I can tell you it's somewhere between supermodel and utterly repulsive. One of my Rabbeim says "she has to be nice to look at." 

As a guy I can tell you that this is definitely something I struggle with. There have been times that the girl would walk out on the first date and my heart would completely drop because I didn't find a girl attractive. More for the struggle with my decision that I know is going to happen. That's honestly the hardest thing for me, and in some ways the worst part of shidduchim. I hear that people's looks can grow on you, but I don't want to go out on more dates than I have to. I also have a hard time giving a fair chance. I haven't really broken anything off because of looks, officially. I usually try and find something less superficial, but sometimes I know if she looked like a supermodel, I could live with my supposed reason for saying no.

When I get to the door and a girl is less than attractive I feel terribly guilty. I know looks have nothing to do with the person. The real person. But it's there. I'm always left wondering if I'm being too picky. You hear the stories about the people who won't settle for anything less than a gorgeous girl, and they end up alone. I'll be honest-I want an attractive wife. When I picture my dream girl, I think of someone who is funny, smart, frum but normal, and attractive. And when a girl is even just okay looking, in the back of my head I'm thinking am I really ready to be married to this girl for the rest of my life? Do I really need to "settle" for anything less than a pretty girl? I wish my mind didn't think that way but focused on middos and hashkafa. 

I think this is the toughest thing for everybody in shidduchim. There is no clear line, no measuring stick, no scale you can use to see if this is your bashert. How do you know when you are settling for something not for you or you're just being picky? Did I just say "no" to my zivug? Or did I say something that I shouldn't have said causing my zivug to break up with me? It would be great after every dating experience Hashem sent you a text "Nope that wasnt the one. Try again!" I wouldn't think shidduchim would be all that bad then. You would know that you're going to get there, you just need to keep on trucking. We just need to have more emunah. A friend once suggested to me to have more kavanah during atah chonein for shidduch decision-making. I try. 

This is our avodah. It's not easy. But we try and do our best. We move on, always looking backwards, wondering if we have made the right decisions. Hopefully we have. And I wish you that you won't have any more doubts or questions. And if you do I hope you'll come out of it stronger for it.

P.S. I do think a big part of the shidduch crisis that isn't addressed as much, is the guys' unrealistic expectations of what a girl should look like. Our generation in America, no matter how frum you are, has been exposed to unrealistic, photo-shopped billboards, movies, and ads. We think we deserve a girl who looks like that. I'm just as guilty of this as anybody else. How do we get past it though? 

 I know a man needs to see the girl before the wedding halachically but not girls because they aren't as shallow.  But I'm curious to hear how much girls struggle with looks.

Previous Dating Experiences

One of my favorite dating jokes is: A yeshivish guy takes a girl to a hotel lobby for a first date. He gets up to go to the bathroom, and the second he is out of site, one of the hotel employees rushes over to the girl and says: "Don't trust him honey. He comes here with a different girl every week".

I don't know if that one is true, but I do know someone personally who got asked if she wanted "the usual" by the bartender at a hotel lobby.

Shidduch dating is weird. It seems like there is an unwritten rule that you pretend like you've never dated before. But what do you do when you are on a date and it reminds you of a story from someone you previously dated? Or better yet, do you pretend like you don't know where the bathrooms are located, at your usual dating spot, and ask people for directions?

Personally, I'll say the bad date story but say it involves a friend of mine. And I do like to pretend that I'm not so well versed in the layout of my typical first date spot.

Shadchanim: Show your appreciation

A frequent source of frustration for the average shidduch dater are shadchanim. They'll call you incessantly, redt you ideas that are utterly irrelevant, and are just generally annoying. But I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who ever redt me a shidduch, whether we went out or not, whether it was completely off base, or "on paper," spot-on. These people have lives, and despite what you think, they're not in it for the shidduch money. There are much more lucrative businesses out there.

The next time someone redts you a yeshivish girl who only wants someone in kollel when you're stuck on a career path or redts you a twice-divorced, balding, 300-pound guy who is seventeen years older than you, take a deep breath. Realize this person cares about you. It might not seem that way, but that's the truth. It might be insulting to you, you might think that they're not listening, and you might be right. But the fact is someone thought of you, wants you to be happy, and is taking time out of their day.

We all go through dry spells when it comes to people redting ideas. For me it's usually during vacation, and never during finals. Do you really want to discourage people from at least trying? All you need is one suggestion to be on target.

Thank you to everyone who has ever redt any kind of shidduch, even if it didn't work out. Better to speak up than to stay silent and wonder what could be.

I'm really happy for you...really

So my best friend just got engaged. Not just any best friend though. This was the one who I taught about dating, the one who is a couple years younger than me. The one who doesn't have quite frankly the "resume" that I do. But I'm happy for him. I really am.

I've had previous best friends get engaged before, and inevitably they go off and live life. Married life. I'm not going to say they forget about you. Of course not! Not if you were really good friends. It's just different. Just as their lives will never be the same, your relationship with your friend will never be the same. They're the same person, but entirely different. You're not going to be driving around at all hours of the night getting slurpees or ice cream or whatever. You're not going to be swapping dating stories anymore, because they won't have any. Really non of it will be the same. Your conversations will be completely different, and you will be spending virtually no time in person anymore. They're still a friend, but they go from "best friend" to more of a really good acquaintance.

If I sound bitter...that's because I am.  G-d forbid I'm not blaming anyone. That's just the way that life works. I don't expect you to go out with me when I'm feeling bored, because thankfully you're not bored. You've got a spouse to take care of. I don't expect you to talk to me as often, because you have got someone more important to speak to. I wish I did, and I'm not planning on acting any differently when it happens to me. Every time you get a text in the middle of our conversation, and you laugh and answer back, I'm not upset at you. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm just reminded of that which I don't have. That which seems so far away. That's not your fault. 

But just because I'm bitter doesn't mean I'm not happy for you. I'm really excited that you thought of a great way to propose, that you found this perfect gift that she will love. I'm really happy that you're happy. I love that you have found someone. You truly deserve it. You haven't had an easier time than me by any stretch of the imagination. 

However, there is a difference between being happy for you and being happy about this for me. I wish I could do both, but right now I'm only the former and not the latter. And please don't blame me for this.